Scenes from the burbs: Masked shopping, sidestepping and Dr Seuss

Leaving home during lockdown is stressful! No, not just because there’s this pandemic happening, or because the wire cages at Woolies are triggering like mad — or because I can’t always remember the optimal hand sanitiser, Jik, wetwipes, just-burn-your-clothing routine when returning … its because I don’t know who anyone is.

Everyone has, or should by now have, the bottom half of their faces swaddled in some kind of anti-droplet device. This means we’re greeting or being greeted by a bunch of masked weirdos with graying roots and bad haircuts in tracksuit pants.

Masked weirdos

There’s this awkward vibe when a masked weirdo greets you by name, so clearly they have clocked who you are despite your box-dye disaster and you must scramble to identify them whilst trying desperately to hear what they are mumbling behind their home-made mask.

Hard not to become distracted by the mask analysis.

In my head: Oh, she is sporting a hand-crafted masterpiece, complete with Suzelle DIY patented ear toggles and fabric that she “skollied” from her daughter’s school uniform (because we’ve given up on formal schooling).

So there you stand, 2m away from a mumbling weirdo who could be anyone from your bookclub mate wanting an erudite new release analysis, to your ex’s new squeeze trying to be your friend…and how do you respond appropriately without confirmed identity?

Pertinent response might range from “Ah yes, I too found it was good in the beginning, but by the end it was pure torture” to “Shame, you’ve gained quite a bit of weight in lockdown”. I guess you’ll know who they are by their response, and by whether or not she throws a frozen chicken at you.

Whilst out and about in our allotted exercise hours, human identification can be even more stressful.

Cheslyn Kolbe sidesteps

As runners, we are already perfecting our Cheslin Kolbe sidesteps with this weird dance that plays out each time we run towards another runner. Two masked strangers on the dark roads of the burbs, approaching each other at pace. Who is stepping left, who will step right?

Zelda goes right, Lloyd steps left and one must swiftly redirect or collision occurs (and then you must return home and burn-your-clothing). At the last minute, Lloyd recognises Zelda and does a 180-degree dance move to turn and greet her, but she needs to recover from the Cheslin Kolbe stepping situation, so she’s doesn’t care and continues forward. No one scored. There is no scoring in “corona times”. Your sidestep counts for nothing.

And you should see my son’s sidestep on laundry day. He’s going pro…

Stomping reading

Anyway, here we all are. Hope we can still laugh. And love and give. And ask for help. My reading recommendation for tonight is a classic called Yertle the Turtle by Dr Seuss. When you’re done with that, blast a bit of American Idiot by Green Day. Stomp.

Words by me, Kim Stephens. Hanging on…